This trip back home

I am getting ready for a week-long vacation to visit my family. My husband and our boys are coming, and we are excited to have some family time. My parents have a beautiful beach house right on the water and we are so lucky to be able to stay there. My kids get to wake up to their grandparents and my husband and I get to sip our coffee watching the waves. Sounds pretty fucking amazing, especially since I won't be waking up every morning hating myself for the night before!

Prior to my sobriety, trips back home always caused me and my husband trepidation. I would be consumed with anxiety and resentment as I correlated my hometown and family with many of my icky feelings. Additionally, because I am a recovering emotional alcoholic I always seemed to get obliterated causing some fight and scene. My poor husband was so fed up, and I know he is relieved this year.

I left my hometown in 2012 when my husband's job moved us from Eastcoast to Westcoast. I was hesitant, yet optimistic about the change. I loved my job and the people that came with it. I was convinced I wouldn't find as good a job again (jury is still out). I felt my relationship with my family was tenuous. The year leading up to our move I had distanced myself from my family per the advice of my therapist. My co-dependency on my family was all consuming adding to my anxiety and depression. My brother's drug addiction, my dad's alcoholism, and all the family bullshit that comes with that was too much for me. Boundaries were exactly what I needed, which is great, right? Well, I didn't actually go about it the right way. Emotions were high, my ego got in the way, and I pointed fingers all the while terrified of what my family thought of me.

Fact is that my family was sick, but I was just as sick as them. I was a lost, co-dependent alcoholic trying to find peace in the wrong direction. The problem was me and my reactions, not my family. So, did I really need to set the boundaries? Sure, it was not a bad idea, as it is hard to find peace in a chaotic situation. However, I was not ready to see my part in the chaos. I was not ready to accept I was still identifying as the little girl in the cave. It took me way too fucking long, but I now realize my happiness and self-worth are NOT directly proportional to my family's feelings, actions, and reactions. My actions and thoughts are independent of theirs and I do not need to be concerned with theirs. It doesn't mean I cannot love them and want the best for them. In fact, now that I am healing, I can actually feel the love I have for them, and I can whole heartedly pray for their happiness and success. Before, I was so full of resentment and anger towards my family and acted like a victim. I believed their problems were always getting in the way of my happiness. What a bunch of bullshit that all was. I thank God He has finally opened my eyes to the bullshit. All it took was some willingness.