FEAR…she a bitch

After my last entry, I quickly found myself consumed with fear and anxiety. It didn't take long before I was able to recognize the culprit behind the far too familiar sense of fear. Nowadays, I often realize when fear is rearing its ugly head. The only way I can maintain this vigilance is my keeping my sobriety my number one priority. I get those icky feelings and find myself wanting to escape into a dark, lonely wine bottle. So, what was my fear about??? This fucking blog, of course!

I finally decided to start this blog. Mainly to help me process my feelings, but more importantly, to better understand why I do what I do. I need to know the why just as much as I need to know the what. If I cannot put reasoning behind my actions, then I cannot completely change my thoughts and behavior and, ultimately, my future. Anyway, I digress, which is an excellent segway to what was actually supposed to be my topic.

I have been consumed with fear of not doing this blog correctly. I had this vision I was going to chronically go through my life, emphasizing the pivotal moments that led to my destructive behavior. Then, I was going to discuss the circumstances that led me to finally stop destroying my life. The problem, however, is that my thoughts are not linear. They are, in fact, scattered as fuck. It's true; ask my husband. I was more organized and focused when I was a raging alcoholic. Listen to my reasoning behind this... When I drowned every icky emotion and thought with alcohol, I quieted the noise and could focus on the task at hand. I was one productive bitch, while my relationships and self-respect were imploding. And now, I am literally learning how to be a human, and well, being a sober human is hard! I am finally feeling all the good and icky stuff, processing the why, practicing the pause, and keeping my mouth shut. This consumes a significant amount of my brainpower!

I will rah rah my way out with this...

The correct way to write this blog is to write each entry in a perfect, chronological sequence. According to my alcoholic brain, of course. However, my healing self has reminded me there is no correct way to write. My blog is part of my ongoing healing journey, which is by no means linear. I need to let go of this picture that I alone have created. My sick and twisted mind restricts me from just being me. I do not need to prove my worth. I am enough, and my blog will be enough as long as I keep reminding myself to politely and unapologetically express myself.