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Here goes nothing...

  • Writer: prangerebecca
    prangerebecca
  • Jun 8
  • 2 min read

From the outside looking in, I have the "perfect" life. I live in a beautiful house, have a great career, an amazing husband, and two great, healthy kids. Growing up, my life looked very much the same. I never went without wanting anything. I was and still am fortunate to have all my basic needs met, and for this, I am beyond grateful.


However, looking beyond the beautifully wrapped package, I was broken, struggling to be content; never feeling safe, settled, or at peace. I struggled with anxiety early as a toddler, from what I can gather. I was "difficult," never seeming to be happy or trusting of others. I remember always feeling afraid and alone. At the age of 8, my parents first sought treatment for my anxiety as it was affecting my schoolwork and social situation. I am fortunate to have parents who always prioritize my well-being. I will discuss my early years in more detail later.


At the age of 15, I was admitted to a "center" for an eating disorder, self-harm, and depression. This was the first pivotal event in my life. There, I learned a lot about myself, my family dynamics, and the poor coping skills I had been using. I discovered my life was run by fear, and I was searching for any means of control to feel safe. I found my voice at the "center." I turned from a sad and afraid little girl wanting to disappear to an angry and afraid woman ready to fight. More on this later as well.


I wish I could say I took what I learned during my time at the "center," and lived a happy life without additional self-harming behavior and habits. However, that is not my truth. I am forever grateful for my time at the "center." Without the people there and the therapy I received, I would not have been able to achieve all that I have. My experience there put me back on my feet and better equipped me for life's next obstacles. It is all part of the process of becoming the woman God intended me to be.


My life beyond the "center" consisted of me overachieving, trying to prove I am enough and worthy of acceptance, even though I would never truly allow myself to be accepted. I simultaneously sabotaged myself by not doing things out of fear of not being the best or succeeding. I was so afraid everyone else would finally see the fraud for who I thought I was. I just never seemed quite right; not smart enough, not nice enough, not successful enough. You get the picture. I coped with all these icky feelings (fave term btw; it's all-encompassing and so spot on) with a laundry list of poor coping skills. Alcohol and the self-sabotaging behavior that accompanies its abuse would ultimately be the coping skill that finally did me in. So there you have it in a not-so-tight bow.

 
 
 

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Wherever you are, be there totally. 

~Eckhart Tolle 

 

 

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If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten 

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