Lost Memories

I do not have many life memories before getting care at the "center." I never thought too much about it before. And now, deep into my healing journey I find it concerning, frustrating, and sad. Many of the memories I have are not good ones, which is difficult for me to understand as I know I had a nice life growing up with a loving family and great friends. There are likely several explanations behind this. My drinking caused a lot of blackouts, which started as early as high school and just worsened over the years. I also deal with major depression as well as some traumatic events. I believe my brain has been jam-packed in a constant state of hypervigilance, suppressing memories. When I do remember things, I often wonder if that's really what happened or if I'm recalling the story I've been told. One approach to therapy I have used to help me with my trauma responses requires me to place myself in one of my earliest memories. 

I see myself in some cave in a play area of some sort. I am with my family, and some other family friends are also present. Everyone seems like they're having fun. I, however, am not having fun. I feel I am a bother and have annoyed everyone. I feel alone. I feel misunderstood. I do not feel safe. I want to disappear. I am confused as I want to be left alone but also consoled.

This memory is very vivid to me and brings forth a lot of emotion. It evokes a visceral response when recalled. I tense up and get into fight-or-flight mode. It was suppressed for approximately 37 years. But now, with a clear mind and a new set of brave panties, I can see the significance of it. Those exact icky feelings I had at that time are the same feelings that have plagued me my whole life. I feel like an outsider looking in. I'm not having as much fun as everyone else. I want to be like everyone, but I am different. It is not safe to be me because I am wrong. Life experiences, some unwilled but mostly self-inflicted, have contributed to this tumultuous internal monologue. More on this later...